Saturday, September 15, 2007

I suffer. . .

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you. . . Psalm 42:5-6a (NIV)

For as long as I can remember I have suffered from bouts of depression and migraines. I don't know if the depression comes from the migraines or if the migraines come from depression. I despise myself when I become depressed. I have no reason for it, it is a weakness in me that makes me loathe myself. I'm sure that this loathing only adds to the depression. Anyway I have been having one of these pity parties for the past couple of weeks, maybe blogging about it will help.

Does anyone else suffer this way?


Teresa said...

Oh yes, yes, yes...depression and self-loathing, I know them intimately. Ever since I was a young teen and sometimes still now. Stop the self-loathing (that you can control to some extent) and accept that depression is a physical part of your body, like green eyes or freckles, but it causes you pain so it needs treatment like having RLS, or high blood pressure, BECAUSE it is treatable and manageable if you seek help.

If you are like me and despise to be on medications, there is hope too, in that sometimes (as in my case) the medicine helps you to break out of the cycle of self-loathing, rediscover hope, re-train your mind how to react, and give you tools to deal with those very sad weeks. I found that my depression was actually physical and came about two days a month but they turned into weeks and sometimes months because I couldn't climb back out of them without understanding the "why?" And, yes, it became a vicious cycle like you suspect yours might be.

I'm not a Dr. or Psy. major even, but my whole family has dealt with this menace in some degree or another. I've seen miracles in finding the right treatment, but you must SEARCH for yours. Don't be ashamed to go to the DR. and talk to a counseler. This is not your fault and nothing to be ashamed of. In my case, it turned out to be mostly hormonally triggered but spurred on by learned behaviour. But other family members are greatly helped with medicine that is of no more concern than taking a blood pressure pill every day.

And your FAMILY and HUSBAND and especially your CHILDREN will reap the benefits of a woman who can cope. You will be doing it for them!

I apologize right now if what I've said is more than you wanted. But, I didn't learn to survive those dark times where I wished I could just watch the world from a pile of covers or not be anything to the world at all...if not to help someone else. I will be praying for you to have courage and healing and also for your family.

With much concern and love,

Anonymous said...

girl you know that I have fought with this issue also...nowadays (after quitting smoking!!) it seems like it is less depression and more self-righteous anger. I fall into the pit and then have to find the will (which sometimes takes weeks) to crawl out.

The sick and sad part of it is that most of the time I know I am in that pit but there are times when I relish it - the adrenaline of being self righteous, angry, and loud. Then I realize what a hateful b I am and that I need to snap out of it quick before I lose my job, my family and my friends.

I think I need medication but I am hesitant (lazy) to ask for help. I just immerse myself in the Word, listen to sermons on the way to work, crank up the worship music and pray!!

Anonymous said...

Some. I can suggest that leaning on Christ even more during this time is helpful. It's much easier to pull away from him. But don't.